Guiding Clients Toward What They Want vs. What They Should Do
Author: Meg Bowman MS CNS LDN CHES
When Debbie, a 47-year-old ad agency executive, walked into her first health coaching session, she felt overwhelmed. Her days were consumed by the demands of her high-stress job, caring for her aging parents, and preparing her twin boys for their final year of high school before they headed off to college. Amid this whirlwind, Debbie came in with one clear thought: “I should be exercising more.”
But even as she expressed this desire, her body language told a different story. Debbie sighed heavily, her shoulders slumped, and her voice carried the weight of her obligations. It was evident that her “should” wasn’t coming from a place of genuine desire but from societal expectations and self-imposed pressure. Through her work with a health coach, Debbie started to unpack her true needs and wants, redefining what exercise meant to her and discovering intrinsic motivation that made movement feel joyful and sustainable.
The Motivation Gap: Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation
Debbie’s initial mindset is a classic example of extrinsic motivation. She believed she “should” exercise because it was what society, her doctor, and even her inner critic told her was necessary to stay healthy and manage stress. Extrinsic motivation stems from external pressures or expectations—whether from family, cultural norms, or the fear of judgment. While it can spur action in the short term, it often lacks the staying power to create lasting change.
In contrast, intrinsic motivation arises from within. It’s the internal drive to engage in behaviors because they are personally rewarding, enjoyable, or aligned with one’s values. Intrinsic motivation is what makes a person excited to try a new yoga class because they love the way it makes their body feel, or what keeps someone walking outside daily because it clears their mind and helps them connect with nature.
Understanding and leveraging the difference between these two types of motivation is key to helping clients like Debbie achieve sustainable, meaningful change.
Why “Should” Doesn’t Work
When clients approach change from a place of “should,” their actions are often rooted in guilt or obligation. While this mindset can lead to temporary compliance, it rarely fosters long-term habits. Here’s why:
Lack of Emotional Connection: When a behavior is extrinsically motivated, it often feels disconnected from a client’s deeper desires and values. This lack of emotional resonance makes the behavior harder to sustain.
Increased Resistance: The word “should” often carries an undertone of judgment or self-criticism, which can lead to feelings of resentment or rebellion.
Fragile Commitment: Extrinsic motivators are usually dependent on external factors, such as praise or fear of consequences. When these factors are removed, the motivation often crumbles.
Debbie’s “should” mindset around exercise reflected these challenges. She felt guilty for not prioritizing her health but couldn’t find the time or energy to take action. As a result, her frustration grew, and exercise began to feel like yet another item on her endless to-do list.
The Power of “Want”
During her sessions, Debbie’s coach gently guided her away from the “should” narrative and toward discovering what she genuinely wanted. Through open-ended questions and reflective listening, they explored Debbie’s feelings about exercise and what it represented to her. Over time, Debbie realized that what she truly wanted wasn’t necessarily a rigid workout routine but a way to move her body that felt good and relieved stress.
She began to redefine exercise in ways that aligned with her life and values:
Walking around her neighborhood while listening to her favorite podcasts.
Stretching for 10 minutes in the morning to ease the tension in her shoulders.
Dancing in her kitchen to her favorite music while cooking dinner.
By focusing on what she wanted rather than what she felt obligated to do, Debbie began to associate movement with joy and relaxation rather than stress and guilt.
Why Intrinsic Motivation Works Better
Intrinsic motivation is a powerful driver of sustainable change. When clients connect their actions to their personal values and desires, they’re more likely to stay committed over the long term. Here’s why intrinsic motivation is so effective:
Emotional Resonance: When clients truly want to do something, it feels meaningful and fulfilling, making it easier to stick with the behavior.
Increased Autonomy: Intrinsic motivation empowers clients to take ownership of their choices, fostering a sense of control and independence.
Resilience to Challenges: Because intrinsically motivated behaviors are tied to internal rewards, clients are more likely to persevere through obstacles or setbacks.
For Debbie, shifting her mindset from “I should exercise” to “I want to move in ways that feel good” transformed her relationship with physical activity. Her intrinsic motivation made movement a source of joy and stress relief rather than a chore.
How Coaches Can Support This Shift
As a provider, your role is to help clients navigate the transition from extrinsic to intrinsic motivation. Here are some strategies to facilitate this process:
Ask Powerful Questions: Use open-ended questions to help clients explore their underlying desires and values. For example:
“What does exercise mean to you?”
“How do you want to feel in your daily life?”
“What activities bring you joy or make you feel connected to yourself?”
Reflect and Reframe: Reflect clients’ language back to them and help reframe their “should” statements into “wants.” For example:
Client: “I know I should be eating more vegetables.”
Coach: “What would it look like to explore ways of eating vegetables that feel enjoyable or exciting for you?”
Celebrate Small Wins: Recognize and celebrate the progress clients make, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement helps build momentum and confidence.
Encourage Experimentation: Invite clients to try different approaches and notice what feels best for them. This fosters a sense of curiosity and reduces the pressure to get it “right.”
Focus on Values: Help clients connect their actions to their broader values and goals. For example, if a client values family, frame healthy behaviors as a way to show up fully for their loved ones.
Redefining Success
One of the most important lessons Debbie learned through coaching was that success doesn’t have to look a certain way. By redefining exercise on her own terms, she discovered ways to integrate movement into her life that felt authentic and manageable. This redefinition of success can apply to many areas of health and wellness.
As providers, we can support our clients by helping them see that their journeys don’t have to align with external standards or expectations. Instead, true success lies in creating a life that feels aligned, fulfilling, and sustainable.